"I'll Be Suing You"
by Will Bernard
With lawsuits increasing rapidly, we may soon change that parting phrase from "I'll be seeing you" to "I'll be suing you."
Consider the variety of cliams that have found their way into the courtroom:
- In California, a man who bought a gun sued the store for a refund and damages because the gun failed to go off when he tried to commit suicide.
- In Florida, a man sued a hotel on the grounds that his mattress was so hard he broke his leg when he turned over in bed.
- In California, a movie-goer sued a theater for $20,000, saying he got so angry at a certain movie that he developed heart trouble.
- In New York, a man demanded damages of $1,500 from his barber for shaving off his beloved mustache while he was dozing in the chair.
- In Indiana, a man sued his sister for $5,000 for spiking his coffee with a chemical that spoiled his taste for whisky.
- In California, a woman sought damages from a man whose dog sneezed on her stockings.
- In Illinois, a woman sued her estranged husband for the value of the milk she breast-fed to their babies.
- In Florida, a vacationer sued civil authorities for damages after he was beaned by a falling coconut.
- In Kansas, a motorist arrested for intoxication sued police for not giving back his blook after they finished testing it for alcohol.
- In New York, a man whose wife's cousin died put in a claim against the dead man's estate for services rendered: attending the funeral.
- In California, two students sued a used car dealer, demanding a $1,200 car in return for the collection of 48 paper napkins bearing the inscription: "This napkin is good for $25 toward the purchase of any car— a whale of a deal."
- In Pennsylvania, a tenant in an apartment house sued another tenant because the latter's parrot shouted that the rent ought to be raised.
- In Connecticut, a man sued police for injuries suffered when he fell from a fourth-floor window while fleeing from a raided crap game.
- In Ohio, a woman sued for damages because a slot machine tipped over and feel on her when she bent down to collect a jack pot.
Coronet, November 1959, p. 220
The Uncommon Law
by Will Bernard
- In Ohio, a woman sued a painter for damages, complaining that when she criticized her work, he painted her arms yellow.
- In New York, a lady passender sued a steamship line for higving her toy poodle an inferiority complex by placing him in a cage between a fierce police dog and a Great Dane.
- In Kansas, a baker sued a woman for slander, saying she could tell he kenaded his bread with his feet because it had his footprints on it.
- In Washington, a professional dice player, injured in an auto accident, claimed damages for injury to his ability to make four the hard way.
- In New York, a disenchanted former college student sued his alma mater for failing to teach him wisdom.
- In New Mexico, a hard-of-hearing watchman sought back pay for the ten days he kept working after he failed to hear his boass say, "You're fired!"
- In Georgia, a theatergoer sued a hypnotist, claiming that a volunteer from the aduience, hypnotized into thinking he was a monkey, swung down from the stage and took a bite out of the claimant's hat.
- In New York, a woman sued her landlord for causing her to fall downstairs from shock when he called her "sweetheart" on the telephone.
- In Washington, a man sued the corner grocer for alienating his dog's affections by encouraging a romance with the grocer's dog.
- In Minnesota, a man sued an auto dealer for $30,000, claiming that the suspense of waiting for delivery of his new car had given him ulcers.
- in Kentucky, a woman sued a neighbor for using abusive language, claiming $75 damages — minus a $45 credit for the abusive language he used in return.
Coronet, August 1960, p. 192
Silly Suits
by Will Bernard
- In Minnesota, a man who had hired a detective to spy on his wife sued him for breaking up the marriage. He had turned in a sizzling report— on the wrong woman.
- In Massachusetts, two men sued a railroad for $10,000 because their train had arrived at the race track too late for them to clean up on the Daily Double.
- In Iowa, undertaker A sued undertaker B for mailing out burial advertisements to dying people— and signing A's name.
- In Wisconsin, a girl whose boyfriend had promised to per her $1 per kiss, sued him for $3,000 in back payments.
- In Wyoming, a man claimed compensation for injury in a tavern when his foot skidded off the bar's brass rail.
- In Montana, a man sued a restaurant, complaining that the proprietor beat him up when he removed the onions from his hamburger.
- In New York, a subway rider sued for 46 cents, complaining that he had dropped that many pennied into the peanut vending machines without a payoff.
- In New England, a man, who hastily wole hiw business at a loss, sued his doctor when he failed to die as the doctor predicted.
Coronet, June 1961, p. 200
We Are Not Alone:
Silly Suits from Around the World
- In Australia, a politician sued his party for compensation, saying his right hand had been deformed by an excess of handshaking (Coronet, November 1959, p. 220).
- In Columbia (South America), a farmer filed suit against local church officials on the grounds that, after he had squandered all his money on the basis of their prediction, the world failed to come to an end (Coronet, November 1959, p. 220).
- In Mexico, a dead man's heirs sued to prevent burial of the body until they collected the inheritances provided in a will tattooed on his chest (Coronet, August 1960, p. 192).
- In Germany, a businessman had a Siamese twin detained in a legal dispute, only to have the other twin sue him for false arrest (Coronet, August 1960, p. 192).
- In Australia, a man retrieved a valuable pearl swallowed by a dog. He claimed compesnation for the reduction in the pearl's size due to acids in the dog's stomach (Coronet, August 1960, p. 192).
- In Germany, a man who failed to get an answer to his letter of inquiry, sued for the postage stamp he had enclosed for the reply (Coronet, August 1960, p. 192).
- In Toronto, a golfer claimed damages for a shoulder injury received in an auto accident, saying that it had tacked ten to 15 strokes onto his golf score (Coronet, June 1961, p. 220).
- In England, a housewife sued for auto injuries, charging that the accident made her forget tho to cook her husband's favorite dish: steak and kidney pie (Coronet, June 1961, p. 220).
- In Sweden, a medical society sued a man who ahd promised them his body for research, charging that he had broken his promise by having two of his teeth pulled without their permission (Coronet, June 1961, p. 220).
- In Chile, a mayor claimed compensation for loss of business incurred when the weatherman had predicted rain, thus scaring tourist away from a local festival (Coronet, June 1961, p. 220).
Compiled by Bert Kritzer; posted March 13, 2005.